hateiness

I don't hate many things. If I would start listing all the things that I do not hate, we would be here all day. I presume that you read blogs because Atlantic Monthly articles are too long for you. It would then seem to behoove me to write short (impossible) and sweet (maybe) about what I hate, as that list is much the shorter. I do want to say before my hate list starts that I really like hating whatever I like.

I hate this guy:

You might think this is pretty obvious. And I agree. Patty the punk tv entertainer probably likes this as well. Which obviously makes us like him even less. My problem is that over the years I have acquired friends of various persuasions. My circumstances force me to have a broad spectrum of friends. I like Muslims, Christians, Jews, I like Gays & Breeders, Nationals of all kinds, I dont hate on the occasional polyamourus person that comes along, and if you like to eat female (because of the tasty eggy sack still attached) roasted cockroaches for breakfast I don't hold it against you either.

For this reason I have become less confrontational and more accepting of people's bullshit. In fact, one could say, that more people have deigned to accept me, because I am more willing to not make a big deal out of whether they like to eat male or female cockroaches.

At this point I must apologize to all of you who I have been misleading in this fashion. I hate being a liar more than not having any friends. I still can't stand assholes like the Patty the pounk above, and it still taints everyone else who prays to the same god. Which ergo makes me not such a big fan of you either. Now, if you would go out and tell Patty to shut his silly trap, that would be something else. But somehow I don't hear the Christian outcry happening in this case. Even though usually it is pretty hard not to hear the bullhorns of some coalition against gay happiness, or against any other subject that touches their moral little hearts even though it never touches their lives.

And if you think, fine, go ahead and hate me. I'll just do the same. Then you are mistaken. You do not have the right to do so. And I will not turn the other cheek. The reason why you don't have the right while I do, is simple. So simple that even your blinded bible-studying behind can understand it: When is the last time you had an atheist go on TV and say "All the Christians of the world should starve to death and deserve every natural disaster that happens to them, because those people went out and made a deal with Jesus". Oh, you want another one? When is the last time that an atheist went out and bombed and/or shot up a "Mothers Coalition contra pro choice"? OK, one more. When is the last time that an atheist went out, strapped some of Herr Nobel's fine invention to his cojones and blew up a bunch of people at a coffee shop because that would make him a martyr and deliver a a bunch of sexual rookies to his heavenly abode?

I am not holding the Crusades against you. Neither am I bringing up the Spanish Inquisition. To hold up either of these things is so Dawkins. No, I am only looking for the here and now. If you find just one instance I will change my hate allegiance over to your side and start hating everybody that Patty the punk likes to hate. I'll even donate to his Haitian children kidnapping/molestation/proselyting (hand)relief fund. Otherwise please start using your church donation purse to buy stamps for letters to the 700 club to let them know that not all of you are nuts like he is, and that you would like to keep your unbeliever friends around, which he makes very hard, and so please could he just STFU?

the population bomb

My boy Yukes in his blog against the human right of vampiring our sweet little planet points out that there are just too many people on it. I agree, although it makes me uncomfortably fatalistic to do so. I mean, once you agree that there are too many people what is the next logical step that either we or nature will need to take?

For this reason I want to give a shout-out to The Population Bomb. Hip Hip Hurrah! The Bomb has finally exploded in our none-believing (or willfully stupid) faces. The Bomb reminds me of a war relic from WWII. It dropped, never exploded, in a weirdly Freudian manner proceeded to bury itself in our fertile moist earth, was subsequently forgotten, later stumbled upon by farmers, and finally, while being ridiculed for its outdated mechanism, decided to ram its message so far up our asses that to call it an enema of epic proportions would be a, well, epic misunderstatement (this last malapropism is for you W). The Bomb will flush our shitty humanity down the toilet of the universe.

As recently as 2003 The Intercollegiate Studies Institute (all three of these words are individually and taken together oxymoronic in regards to this hive-mind) rated it the twelfth worst and harmful book EVER published. Without wanting to digress too much, this list makes nice bed time reading for your normal (IQ higher than 72) mind. What should be on it instead of their choices are books such as Mein Kampf and the Bible.

I want to ask a couple of questions: Members of the ISI, when you go to your local Wall Mart, do you throw a hard cover edition of the Population Bomb at each other while fighting over the last packet of, as you think, over-priced rice? Do you stand at your local gas station and take the name of your stupid lord in vain when cussing out your silly little hive-mind because you voted for your republican soulmate W, who after all, made oil four times as expensive as it was when a lily-livered, bleeding heart, blowjob-enjoying liberal was in the White House? Will you wonder why you can’t afford your god-damn cooling bill for your stupid, none-insulated, redneck shack anymore, now that the masses of colored people on this globe use up your precious energy before you can steal it out from underneath them? Are you outraged that the multitudes blame you for this and say “I told you, when you took our condoms away, that your bloody abstinence crap DOES NOT WORK! Now we got AIDS, can’t afford food for our 15 children anymore, and to add insult to injury you made Kyoto a joke“? When you cry over another one of your stupid proselytizing sisters getting raped and murdered in Africa or Afghanistan do you remember that you are the only country in the world that voted AGAINST the Small Arms Treaty of 2007? Abstaining wasn’t good enough for you. Do I need to list the horrific regimes that did not take this step alongside you? Did you really need to make it official that you finally realized that nature wasn’t killing off the condom-less multitudes fast enough, so you wanted to lend it a gracious, christian, helping hand?

Do not be outraged that I am lay all of this at your doorstep. Do consider that your right-wing, fanatic religionist, irreparably fascist ass voted EN BLOC for the current lame-duck administration, which is driving all of these policies with your whole hearted prayerful approval. TWICE!

Where was I? Oh yeah, conservatives, republicans, believers, whatever you want to call yourself: You are always wrong! History makes a joke out of you. The other country in which books like the ones on your list are forbidden is Iran. Look at the past 200 years in the USA. You liked slavery, you liked segregation, you like the A-Bomb, you like guns, you like greed. All of which have been proven wrong and are also mentioned in passing, so to speak, in your curse-them-to-god seven deadly sins and dumb commandments. And even though you put a guilt trip the size of a super kancho on the rest of humanity you keep acting against your own morals, against your spurious, so-called christian values (What?! Do you make a living using oxymoronic names?) that you expound on in your vacuous publications, with which you seek to cover the real truth of your sad existence: That you are the bane of humanity. That you hate knowledge. That you hate sharing this planet with all peoples. The only bomb you ever disliked was The Population Bomb. And thankfully that one has been airmailed back to you, compound interest included. I only wish that my liberal behind could just this once be as wrong as you are on a daily basis. Then we could all survive this mess you have unloaded on us.

aryan mum bitch slap

This is funny:










This is funnier:







Well, what else do you expect:






Apparently too much:





Aryan Mum Bitch Slap:

bless thy neopet

I do not actually know how I ended up on this site, but bless your lord that I did. Hours of boredom at work are to be relieved through his mysterious workings. Oh, that’s right, I was searching for my previous blog entry “the devil in yu(kio)”. After all one has to make sure that the plumbing of blogging works. Because I innocuously searched for “the devil in yu(kio)” I ended up on this christian forum. Imagine my surprise at stumbling on this mezzaninious subculture. Readers, there is a reason why none of my stumbling leads to christianity – it drives me bonkers – thought I should clear this up first. So if you are faint of heart, easy prey for satanism or plain just love your lord blindly you might want to avert your faithful eyes. On the other hand if this is your mysterious route to him, be my guest as well. Do keep in mind that the only reason why I ended up on this site is that some christian can not spell “you”.

This is were I found myself when I clicked on a random link. I saw it and I couldn’t help myself, needed to find out what happens when a good christian asks “Have yu ever questioned if there is a God?"

Since I questioned this many times my interest was slightly aroused, raising its head, so to speak. There are of course all the banal answers: Being saved from being hung by noose from window by classmates (the lord likes to disguise himself, although I think of it as bad timing); accusing satan of the little darts that make our day yukky (lordy, lordy are you fucking kidding me?); being confronted with god-less entellectualism all our lives (not my spelling).

My, my this is so much fun, I wish I could go on, but I have to leave this satisfaction of my own sense of rational superiority behind and instead concentrate on my real topic. Also my aroused interest was passing out like a dude after a fraternity drink fest.

Please have a look at this screenshot:As you can see this is the profile of a christian user. I left out his mug, even though it would have provided additional laughs. This christian has 13.496 blessings. You correctly ask, just like I did, what the hell (today no pun goes unintended) these blessings are. Did we finally find a direct fiber optics line to the overlord and all these good souls have his IP while my sinfully aroused but not interested behind does not? Is the pope bestowing these blessings upon his much loved slightly sect-arian USA parishioners? Do you become a saint if you have one trillion blessings? I am sorry but if you thought that any of the options above are correct I must disappoint.

Some of you will know that I used to work at neopets and although it seems neoages (yes, we all talked like that all the time) ago, I still remember how to get neopoints and what to do with them. Neopets is a social website for children. Kids play games, partake in art contests, bid and sell at auctions, refer other users and earn interest on their neopoints at the neobank. Here is a link to the faq at neopets regarding their neopoints. The best chance of getting a lot of neopoints was by doing things that would promote the site or show that you spent a lot of time on the site so that the site owners could sell it to he highest bidder (more eyeballs means more users, means more cold hard cash). Neopoints was the currency of the site with which you could buy yourself weapons, flowers and magic spells.

What does this have to do with the christian forum? To explain the link between the two sites here is their faq in regards to blessings. Please read it all, you might miss a blessedly good laugh. Examine what you can buy on this site with their blessed currency, and how one best earns it. Yup, you can play little flash games, bid and sell at auctions, refer other users and deposit your blessings into a bank to earn one blessed percent blessings interest. If you compound that, by the end of your life you might have a gazillion blessings and the only question remaining is whether heaven accepts that particular currency as readily as the tithe you paid your sins off with in your RL church. If this christian forum was not conceptualized with neochristians in mind my name is not Guardian of the Pearly Gates.

Apart from the hilarity ensuing from a bunch of originally, sinfully stupid people (I am sorry, God did not forget to put extra sugar in your Latte, even though your morning is yukky now) playing an online game with prizes that 12 year olds become tired of fairly quickly, it strikes me as completely against all church dogma that people can buy, sell, earn via auction or postings blessings that then accumulate in a bank account to grow further interest on your investment. Didn’t they all hate the Jews a few years ago because they were the only ones allowed to earn interest off money lending? And now we can earn interest on blessings?

However that may be, one of the central issues for social websites is how to monetize the site. How to make money of the users who traffic it. Often that happens in the form of merchandise or cross pollination where a user can purchase RL items with the site currency or vice versa. You see where I am going with this, right? While users at neopets purchased merchandise or just plainly cool gaming items what will users from the christian forum be able to buy? Shorter time in hell? forgiveness for your padre? nicer wings? better view from your cloud? Not that I am such an expert on these matter, but I really believed that these faith-things would be off-limits to the general hustle and bustle of internet commerce and social website engineering. But lo and behold you should see the avatars, holy armor and unsoiled virgins you can buy with your blessings. If you want to impress one of those poor creatures, lost out there in the empty vastness of the net, nothing says “I believe” like a Million Blessings Avatar. She will swoon over your righteous, rising ardor established by blessings, posts and referrals and you can take her in/to your lair of laughter to violate her at least twice until the time death do you part.

reverse faith

Recently there was a funeral in my family. It was mildly significant, as funerals in my family go, because she was the last of a generation to be returned to the earth. Because of this the significance of the funeral lies not in its commonly accepted purpose, but rather arises from providing a glimpse of one’s own transience. But this is not what struck my fancy, excuse the happy phrase, considering the unhappy moment. Rather the Philippino Deacon is what I find fascinating. Before you call down God’s thunder upon my head because I do not make this a memoriam for my dear Oma, please bear with me.

You see, this is Vienna. Now, while Austria is a fairly modern country, and while we had our fair (read: fairly large) share of Catholic Church sex scandals, and while we also have really tried very hard to forget our more recent past this is still a Catholic Country. May it be because of an inherent – teatular, so to speak - conservatism, or may it be because we want to cover our bases, or simply out of good old lethargy, but 95 % of all the white people in Austria are Catholic. We pay church tax! I should use this opportunity to thank the Church for its greed, because my infidel behind would otherwise have been baptized. Apparently being the second largest landholder in/after the country is not enough, and apparently that pissed my dear parents off enough to excommunicate themselves. So you see, you can’t even blame me when I end up in hell. Anyway, in this bastion of Catholicism in Central Europe, only to be out-gloried by Poland, a Philippino Deacon conducts my Granny’s last event in our lives.

I just spent Christmas ‘06 in the Philippines. This is the second time that I was in Manila. The first time was about ten years ago. Unlike when I am at home I like to read local news when I travel. It gives me a feeling for the place I am visiting, for what’s going on, for what the local folk think and do. Which is why I don’t do it at home, there I already know that the local folk just needs their bread and games. During both visits it struck me how Catholic the Philippines are. Fanatically so - the pope gets more requests for autographs in the Philippines than condoms tossed at his head in Finland, it’s a close call though. There are people in the Philippines who still beat themselves over the back with what resembles a Cat O' Nine Tails. Without sarcasm one can say that this country’s Catholicism stopped developing after the first missionaries arrived at its virgin shores. It makes sense too, I look at myself and see that I am still Austrian the way Austrians where 12 years ago. Hopefully, that joint developed a little since then. A church cut off by sheer distance from its all-nurturing mothership will lag behind in its evolution of faith – sorry, I’d be lying if I’d call it thought. I mean, when was the time you saw a guy whipping himself in Austria? Ok, don’t google it, let me answer instead: 1261 A.D. It was in fact quite chic in those days, they even had a name for the merry songs they sang whilst beating the shit, I mean blood out of themselves – Geisslerlieder. At some point the Pope thought that this practice was silly. He probably figured that we already nailed one guy to the cross, why beat ourselves up over it? So he forbade it, which, I think, in church context means that you go to hell if you do it anyway. Let me gently remind you that I was never the one who wanted to give those faith guys medals for logical thought processes.

I digress, and since you probably wonder if this is going any yonder, let me come to my point. The Philippines are now bringing the faith back to Austria. Sorry, one more digression – Austria used to run Spain, which used to run the Philippines (before our current faith-behemoth took over) - Quot erat demonstrandum Austria brought the whipping boys to those particular virgin shores. And now the Philippines are returning the favor. This strikes me as entertaining. The Austrian community of faithful can not even muster their own priests anymore. Does it not strike you as similar to us importing Guestworkers from Southeastern Europe in order to fill all the jobs that we think ourselves too good to do? Namely cleaning our toilets, taking care of our geriatrics, sweeping our streets, picking up our trash, you catch my drift. Here is a country that has been Catholic for the better part of two bloody millennia, whose church owns something like 30 % of the land but yet a Philippino is doing the holy grunt work. I mean offer some slowly vesting stock options or something. Oh, that’s right you do - excuse me while I lol a tiny little bit – done.

So the Austrian Catholic Church is recruiting the obviously and finally redeemed former poor lost heathen souls from those former virgin shores in order to save our own newly endangered eternal lights from hellfire. This gives a brand new meaning to Brain Drain. I want to like it to a toilet in the southern hemisphere. You might think that this is annoying to me, this invasion of stupidity, when finally we have beaten senseless prayers with senseless consumerism. But instead I bask in this warm comforting sense of Karma, I wallow in it like a happy little piggy, I rejoice in this circular logic and faithful justice – Hallelujah!!! Bring those infidels to heal, I mean, show those poor lost souls the way to Christ. Bring y/our holy scripture, we promise we will try to stay up to date a little better than you did on what’s cool and what’s not (does god have email, or a FAQ?). Bring your Cat O' Nine Tails and take our Paprika while you are at it. I know it is really Hungary’s Paprika, but who minds a little spice, right? It doesn’t have anything to do with any of this anyway, right? Right?

Dear Granny, thank you for the soup and for providing one more spark.