May 29, 2008

ode to pandora

Stop donating your money to craigslist. Forget about social networking. Loose those millions of different username and password combinations that you try to keep in your head (and hopefully not in one location anywhere!!!). There is only one site you need (ok, two counting this blog) for your happiness, for your self reflection, for finding a spot of peace for yourself.

Pandora is a misnomer for this site. There is no disease coming out of it. There is no addiction coming out of it. If you be looking for the evil, you are in the wrong place. What does come out of it is only a reflection of your mood, of your place in life, of you.

The music will morph according to your directives. And if you do it unconsciously, without following fads, and hit videos, it will reflect you. Of course if you do follow a fad, that is reflection of you as well. Give your thumbs up or thumbs down, be a small Caesar (this guy keeps coming back today) and the music will follow you around like a loyal little puppy.

bad news is good news

I posted a blog in reply to CMCs blog on Democratic wimps recently. It was the continuation of an interesting conversation, quickly degenerated into name calling and wasn’t very useful after that. That post, as badly timed, as useless and aggravating as it was, is the post on my blog that has been most commented on. More people have checked it out, and thought it interesting enough to comment on than any other post that I wrote before. And I write some pretty funny shit.

Just goes to prove again, how unenlightened we are. I hate it when my elitist lefty friends go on about the stupid masses. Not that you all are stupid, you are after all reading my blog. Only if you wouldn’t be reading it, would you be stupid, but then you wouldn’t know. This only proves that reading my blog makes you smarter. But I want to hold people responsible for their actions. So when I hear from the lefties that 90 % of the world doesn’t care about what goes on around them, and only listen to the person that screams the loudest, I naturally want to disagree. I want to say that lots of people are interested in substance over volume. I try to hold myself to the same standard, which is why I apologized for my badly timed post. I can not influence if others act the same.

I concede that I am wrong. A serene exchange between left and right just isn’t interesting to media consumers. You wonder why the talking heads have turned into screaming heads? They scream because you want them to scream. Fox and Hardball are your modern day Circus Maximus. Those TV stations have the same viewer matrices that I get from Google. The matrices tell them when two guys call each other names and appear close to scratching each other’s eyes out viewer numbers go up. Throw in a half naked woman, and you are good to go in the ratings game. Sad, but nevertheless true that nobody gives a rats ass about peace, intelligence and kindness. The funniest thing is to be called on the carpet for not retaliating in kind to an insult to me or my point of view, “Hey, you are cheating me out of my conflict high”. But that's all good, just something to think about.

I draw two conclusions from this:
  1. Nobody will ever read my blog. I do not like to spew hate. It makes me feel bad, and I will not partake in it. Also, my Mama would wash out my mouth with soap. You may get your dopamine high somewhere else. At least now I have a good justification why all you ignoramuses do not flock to my genius writing.
  2. Bring back the real Circus Maximus. The Mall would be a grand place for it; there is already a nice and tall Obelisk there. Can you imagine it? Gladiators hollering “Morituri te salutant” in front of the White House, Bush VIII pointing his thumb toward the ground, lions eating christians, re-enactments of the battle at Guadalcanal. I shiver in pleasure when I think of it. The bloodier it is the more the people’s lust for games will be satisfied, and the more we can chat in peace about how to provide bread to the entertained masses. You ken? If you feed their bloodlust, they will not care to see your blood on the floor when you talk about their bread. Also, I imagine (in vain probably) that my reader numbers would go up.

May 26, 2008

escape to mars

a strut on the ground
in a shade unnatural
banal yet strong

a proof of our will
to hold the stars
in the palm of our hand

oh hear, ye gods of old
oh fear, ye travelers afar
sapiens dominare omnis

May 25, 2008

trying on that wide angle lense

In respecting the sentiments of CMC, a patriot and warrior on Memorial Day, I was going to post the below at a later date. But I realized this debate is what Memorial Day is all about. I hope to hear similar debates, if hopefully better informed than I am, between the contenders for the highest office in this country. Too long we have been forced to listen to canned prepared 60 second speeches.

You think war is hell because soldiers die, soldiers come back with bad wounds, and some of them go crazy. You think that running around in a strange land shooting people is the ultimate sacrifice for your country. As horrible it is to point your gun at another man, as horrible it is to see life snuffed out all around you, as horrible as it is to see your brothers die around you, you do not know the hell of war until it reaches your mother’s doorstep. You do not know the hell of war, until you have to worry about a gang of soldiers coming into your house and raping and killing your family in front of your eyes. You may have seen all of these things, but that horror is not yours. You do not know the consequences until your home has been reduced to rubble and you go through the remnants to find your grannies dentures, because that’s all that survived the napalm. This explains why Europe is somewhat fearful of the trigger happiness the USA displays. They have in living memory destroyed everything around them. They did it themselves, have nobody to blame but themselves, but it does engender a sense of restraint. When this country invaded Iraq for the second time my mother called me to tell me that the man in black leather boots is walking again. She has the same visceral reaction to these kinds of events as you have on the Fourth of July. War is hell, and the sanctified version (where are the body bags?) that the American public is served with their daily dose of “we are the saviors of the world” should make you, a Vet, cringe. Or do you accept this little white lie as a small price to pay, truth as the collateral damage so to speak, in order to keep the home front in line?

Small countries around the world are constantly engaged in unspeakable atrocities, and the way the USA justifies going to war against her enemies is somewhat of a role model for them. How many times have you recently heard some little petty dictator call his political opposition terrorists and proceed to drop American made ammunition on them? He has as much right to do that as we had a right to go into Iraq. And how do you think that opposition feels when they pick up a dud that says “Made in the USA” in loud and proud letters? You think the USA goes into every conflict freeing some innocent peoples of their dictator. But if the best, the most moral, the most glorious, the most democratic, the most land of the free and home of the brave lends legitimacy to might over right you can be sure that all the little bad guys will follow our lead. Especially when they see how well the propaganda works in the USA. Of course it is not our fault that these little dictators follow our lead, but who else are they going to follow, especially since we do it so well?

You equate an error in judgment of whether we should go to war to an error of aiming the parachutists in WWII. Aren’t those two completely different shoes? Isn’t that comparing me buying orange juice instead of apple juice, as my mother asked me to, to her asking herself whether she should have a baby in the first place? I do believe that a decision to go to war or not is a little grander than reading a map incorrectly, although it would seem that the US Military in recent history can be accused of that as well. One could allow that the civilian leadership in this country is not very good at reading maps either, since they thought that Bin Laden was in Iraq – but we know that’s not what Iraq was about. If you are not mad at the Republicans for taking you into an unjustified war, at least you should be mad at the incompetence of the leadership of this war. I don’t know what the reason for their inability to consider historical campaigns are, and I don’t understand why their learning curve is so low that it took them 5 years to figure out that they are in a guerilla war, let alone how to deal with it, but I know that if I would put my life on the line for this shit, I would expect a little more skill from my leaders. When Kara Mustafa did not manage to take Vienna in 1683 the Sultan sent him a silken cord. Nobody is asking Rumsfeld to do anything but disappear into ignominy, and the least our current leadership could do is follow him and let some fresh minds work the problem.

So the USA has been messing with the Middle East for the last fifty years. I don’t understand how you think that gives us the right to go in there and bomb the place to smithereens. You know all the history of the former Secretary of Offense shaking hands with our current enemies, using the Afghanis against the Sowjets, installing the Shah in Iran, then turning around and setting Saddam Hussein on Iraq when they revolted against our puppets. The list is endless, and can be continued at leisure in South America without either justifying the current action, or actually being laudable. What would you say if Russia invaded Afghanistan tomorrow, and justified it by saying “Tovarisch, my grand daddy was fighting the mullahs and their American made MPs. We have been in that dusty, godforsaken joint for so long that in the beginning we had to use Camels to get around.” How about Cuba? What if China invades Taiwan, they certainly have been there a minute (if you measure it in millennia)? So does it give them the right?

And how did we go from justifying this invasion with “Them boys got WMD and Nerve Gas that will make your skin come off in bubbles” to “Saddam has been a threat to the governments around him for years” to “He killed the Kurds” to “Man, we been there for 50 years”. I hope you have a larger context in mind than just a temporal one. Because when I look at the justifications above, I see them all as fairly applicable to the USA. You know more about weapons in all shapes and sizes than I do. Tell me do we have stockpiles of nerve-gases? Do we have suitcase-sized nukes in violation of none-proliferation treaties? How many times have we invaded a country in the last 50 years, compared to Saddam Hussein and Iran? Are we going to fight wars in all places when they disagree with us just because we have built a base and hung around after the last ass-kicking?

If you have been involved with a region for fifty years, wouldn’t you hope that this, the best, the most moral, the most glorious, the most democratic [here insert more tiresome, patriotism inducing rhetoric used in each and every country around the world; Austria is the best country in the world because of our music and our mountains] country in the history of the world would do better than what we see now? If morality, right over might and most importantly history are on the side of the USA, on top of us being just absolute hot stuff, shouldn’t you demand better results than what has been delivered by a huge majority of Republican Presidents over the last 40 years? It can’t have been the Democrats’ weak FP since they fumbled themselves to only three victories in that time period. Somehow we always are told that these things take time. That just around the corner you can see the final solution to the problem. Ask me when this final solution will become real. And I will tell you that it will remain the mirage that it is until the day the oil runs out and the day Christian Fundamentalists get it on with Muslim Fundamentalists in some mythical battle to ring in the Apocalypse. Hopefully this will coincide, so that my Middle Eastern friends will only have to bury their families once. Of course by that time we will have found ample reason to be camped out in some other country that we just bombed back into the Stone Age. Did I tell you that you do not know the horrors of war until your sister is raped with the business end of a gun, so that she may never bear children to her rapists’ enemies?

Considering the results of voting a Republican into the White House all but three times these past 40 years, I will concede that I do not understand this country, in as much as the definition of crazy is expecting different results from repeating the same actions. I admit I do not understand crazy. You wonder why your friends, your sons and daughters die in distant places, you wonder why your treasure is spent on annihilation instead of edification, you wonder why the crazy people get thrown out of their asylums and the poor turned out of the hospitals (How The Gipper became so revered is beyond me, your blue collars are gluttons for punishment by the rich; at the most he played better poker than Gorbachev), you wonder why the rest of the world looks on in astonishment as you greet the end of the Cold War by building suitcase-sized nukes. I do not think that a Republican victory will happen again in 2008 because I have more faith in the mob-thinking of the masses, as I just do not see them being able to think as independently as you and those unidentified Republican pollsters. But if it were to happen it would send a great message to the rest of the world. That finally that horrible baby boomer daydream/nightmare, which has managed to vote a literal dynasty of Democratic Presidents into office, kept the poor Republican minority not only out of power but also forced to follow a weak FP and listen to lefty elitist mass-media propaganda is over. Oh, you say that only three Democratic Presidents were elected into office over the last 40 years? Well, then those Democrats surely must have been successful at running the joint behind the backs of the guys with the Veto Pen. A Republican electoral win would also send a message that this young nation is no longer naïve, altruistic and optimistic. That she has left behind that early childhood stage of blind trust in the goodness of others. That she has entered full blown puberty and must thus be given the freedom to act out for a couple of years. Unfortunately, she is not a harmless little teenager, whose worst action could be to mess up her own life because she didn’t know about condoms since her mum was busy either in the Women’s Power Association, or in her church. Instead and unfortunately, she is the 800 pound gorilla and liable to break some China and there is a lot of China to mess with. In due time she will come to sit at the family table, slightly remorseful over all the shit she put her poor parents through.

In the meantime how often will she bring the true horrors of war to the shores of foreign lands? Your claim to nobility, that you are not using your mincemeat-making arsenal (even though you say you are not superman - which one is it?) is so beyond me that I can’t even come up with an appropriate simile. How many Philippinos, Vietnamese and Iraqis need to die conventionally before you admit to yourself that merely not dropping your nukes does not make you civilized? You label Europe sophisticated, and somehow that is an insult, when you yourself are victim to the most fascinatingly sophisticated propaganda machine in the history of the world. You could throw a dart at a world map, you are welcome to use that terrorism map on your wall, and as long as you aim south of the equator you will most likely hit a resource rich country in which the USA installed and/or supported a regime of horrific proportions. In fact, we both know that some of the worst terrorists come out of those places. Yet you insist that we are doing it out of the goodness of our bleeding hearts. Wouldn’t it be intellectually and morally more honest to stand up and say “Yes, we run this joint as we see fit, and for the maximum profits of our people”? Because that’s what we do, and our outstanding standard of living is based on it. And that is the reason in a nutshell that this country keeps voting Republican. Deep down inside we are all selfish, and we want that cheap oil, the cheap gadgets from china and the lovely diamonds from the Congo. If only in a very small measure we reaped what we sowed on 9/11 I am mildly perturbed to think of the future reaping we will be going through. Of course we can always ratchet it up, fight a harsher war, build bigger bunker busters, chase them more, but will that create anything else but a spiral of violence? How did that work out for Israel so far? Do you want to put your child on a bus and worry if that bus will implode in some idiot’s righteous anger?

And yet you still believe that you are the savior of the world, because your government somehow manages to pull the freedom wool over your eyes when you should have been seeing the money trail all the way from your pocket to the war in the Middle East and back to record profits in the coffers of Exxon Mobile (the funniest thing is how surprised all the business analysts are now, at the news that those companies are not making billions of dollars anymore when a Democrat is about to be elected). Personally, I am going to throw up if I get another tax refund check because I was taxed incorrectly for the Spanish American War.

You like the guy like a wise man should like a fool. You can learn from him, but he will never learn from you. This is fine, as long as I want him to dance with some tribal leaders in Africa. But when I want him to consider the consequences of his actions in a place fraught with historical fault lines such as the Middle East, I would prefer a guy whose librarian wife forced a couple (of thousand) history books down his arrogantly uneducated throat. Yes, I think that a man who can’t form a straight sentence should not be running the world. In fact, I would be completely fine with having a guy at the helm that I can absolutely not stand. As long as I think he is smart and moral enough to do right by the world he can be the prick from hell. You think to be smart and eloquent is bad. As if stupidity guaranteed honesty and intelligence implied duplicity. I would prefer to think of the political class as duplicitous by nature, and if they all are that, let’s have one who has read a couple of books along the way. Since the Republicans over the last 40 years have not been able to supply that, let’s give the Democrats a chance to either proof me right, or you wrong for the next 40 or so years.

May 23, 2008

a penny for your thoughts

Is this what you base your thought processes on?

in response to “The please like us Party”

Once again I must congratulate the Crack Emcee. I love how he puts it all together. Short and sweet sentences, pictures that say more than a thousand words, easily digestible and easier to follow. It’s just hard to read at work, people wonder why I am checking out “Give ‘em Hell, Harry” Truman and Easy Rider pictures while I am supposed to be diligently cogging away in my cube.

The analysis of Clinton and Gore as war mongers who wanted to increase the Offense Budget, while not inhaling, and of Mini Bush (this is an age categorization, when you measure the Bushes by their fuck-ups, he outshines daddy like a stadium flood light would a candle) as the humble Foreign Policy guy, who never really wanted to fly that damn plane anyway, let alone in Vietnam really surprised me. I must have been dreaming when I saw all that “weak on FP liberal” dirt thrown at them. And I must have been dreaming when it was assumed that George Bush would be strong on National Security and proceeded to fumble his way through every international situation like only a Bush can (head in soup in China, planes shot down in front of China, non-signatory of small arms treaty).

However entertaining the above reversal of roles is, the salient point seems to be that once a President is in office, he can not afford to cater to either his hard right or hard left anymore. Real Politik sets in, and the world has to be taken seriously and with as little ideological baggage as possible. The USA is not in an easy situation, the most powerful nation on the planet, everybody wants a pie(ea)ce of her – you know this if you ever played Civilization. Mostly we seem to be running around like a schizoid teenager, who wants nothing more than to be loved for her loyalty and friendship (export of democratic freedoms), yet is painfully aware that if make-up (oil) is not secured in the short run she will loose power, and that for that reason her grand station in this high school (world) relies on dominating commerce and the procurement of certain lipsticks (metals) and mascara (resources). Morals and walking over dead bodies to get the resources you need in order to impose your will is difficult to pull off at the same time, at least not without smallish PR fallouts. Especially while remaining the good guys the USA used to be after WWII - for which I personally am hugely grateful, as I would have grown up either a Nazi Youth, or behind the Iron Curtain.

I suspect that the same situation vexed Truman and grand old Roosevelt, the difference being that not every Joe Blow was blogging their ass off about it, JFGIing every bloody comment while digging up divorce statistic and old campaign buttons. The lies don’t fly as easy anymore. And lies are part of the game. Whether you are Democrat or Republican, you need to play an international game of chess with people who are absolutely ruthless and with their backs to the wall. That’s like putting me in the ring with a rabid, wounded Doberman. I know you gave me a gun to defend myself, but most likely that bitch will be way faster than I can ever hope to be.

I think we should leave the ideology behind, leave the campaigning behind, leave all the rhetoric behind, and judge both Republicans and Democrats by their results. This gets hard when you consider that a lot of these wars stretch out over opposing administrations. But lets try: It would seem that WWII was rather well done. Korean War, was a write-off, probably quite useful though. Vietnam, a big clusterfuck. And the Gulf Wars could only be described as silly, if they wouldn’t be so expensive. What is the thin red line through all these wars? I believe it to be that the USA does better the more right she is. I am all for kicking some ass around the world, and nothing annoys me more than my Euro Friends who just yadda after their media and hate everything the USA does, BUT it seems that when the dust settles and we actually consider if we had a right to enter into a war, we can directly correlate that to our success with it. This makes me hopeful. In fact I rejoice that the USA always looses when she looses her moral compass. It makes watching all those tedious Hollywood happy endings bearable, as it seems as if really only the good guys can win in the end. And whenever even our glorious behind is wrong we fall on it, just like the Ruskies did and hopefully the Chinese will soon.

We did not have the right to invade Iraq. If you base that argument on human rights, you need to ask your congressman (the ones with the actual power to declare war) to invade China right now. And you should have done the same when every single democratically elected government in South America was overthrown with our help. If you base it on WMD, let’s go to N. Korea, and Pakistan right now. Both of which are a lot more unstable and actually HAVE some, compared to Iran for example. If you think that our current success (I measure success by not seeing white boys dying on the beaches of the Korean Peninsular) in N. Korea is based on hardass Foreign Policy you are plain wrong. It is based on what you would call lily-livered democratic “please like us” party principles, which was only initiated because we saw that kicking ass didn’t work in the Middle East, and because we ran out of money. I am not sure which reasoning I prefer.

You, the citizen, were conned into going to war in Iraq; remember Colin Powell and his little sample of whatever-the-bloody-hell scared us just so in front of the UN? Although I do believe that every citizen bears responsibility, and that in this regard you failed only a little less than Colin Powell, I will halfheartedly grant that you were conned into sending your boys to die for nothing. For this reason we need to present a bill for the huge error of judgment and arrogant group-think that was the result of a bunch of neo-cons getting together and trying to reorder the world in their image.

This is not a somehow diffuse case, with lots of competing variables to consider. Just look for the people who planned and implemented the war. They are gone. Their own party, their own President has forsaken them. This is not a liberal conspiracy. If they would have been right, they would still be dancing victory laps on The Mall. And don't tell us we didn't tell you so. We did, Obama for example. The people of the USA were tired of being conned back then, and they are pissed at being conned now, and they will present a bill to the Republican Party who is, as I write this, running for the hills (yup, an undisclosed location). The upcoming bill will be the second part of a lay-away bill, the first part of which was presented during the last mid-terms.

I think McCain’s story is absolutely fascinating. Nobody can even come close to imagining what it is like to spend 5 years at the Hanoi Hilton except for Solzhenitsyn in The Gulag Archipelago. I have tried, but I gave up. I admire his politics of the past years even if most died-in-the-wool Republicans wanted to vomit in their mouths when he was driving campaign finance reform. And he was nominated exactly for these reasons. He won the Republican nomination because he is the most Democratic of all Republican candidates. So please spare me all that talk of why Republicans are better on FP. They are not; they conceded that by nominating McCain. Campaign Finance Reform? Bring it on! Marrying one hot woman who looks just like the last one he dumped? Bring it on! (I am Austrian; I have no problem with how he lives his private life. You do though, you hated Clinton's BJ, so be honest.)

But supporting the President unconditionally in regards to the failed policies of the Middle East? That is unacceptable. The Republican Party and John McCain have to learn that lying to the people will cost them dearly. It might even usher in a new Democratic Age, how ironic that would be, and so sweetly and justly making Carl Rove rotate in his little southern (yup, undisclosed as well) plantation grave.

May 20, 2008


Its about 200 degrees in Phoenix right now. even if you do not believe in Global Warming, that makes you want to move to Canada.

May 18, 2008

lame phishing attempt

Seriously, you will have to do better than this if you want steal my ID.

May 16, 2008

the population bomb

My boy Yukes in his blog against the human right of vampiring our sweet little planet points out that there are just too many people on it. I agree, although it makes me uncomfortably fatalistic to do so. I mean, once you agree that there are too many people what is the next logical step that either we or nature will need to take?

For this reason I want to give a shout-out to The Population Bomb. Hip Hip Hurrah! The Bomb has finally exploded in our none-believing (or willfully stupid) faces. The Bomb reminds me of a war relic from WWII. It dropped, never exploded, in a weirdly Freudian manner proceeded to bury itself in our fertile moist earth, was subsequently forgotten, later stumbled upon by farmers, and finally, while being ridiculed for its outdated mechanism, decided to ram its message so far up our asses that to call it an enema of epic proportions would be a, well, epic misunderstatement (this last malapropism is for you W). The Bomb will flush our shitty humanity down the toilet of the universe.

As recently as 2003 The Intercollegiate Studies Institute (all three of these words are individually and taken together oxymoronic in regards to this hive-mind) rated it the twelfth worst and harmful book EVER published. Without wanting to digress too much, this list makes nice bed time reading for your normal (IQ higher than 72) mind. What should be on it instead of their choices are books such as Mein Kampf and the Bible.

I want to ask a couple of questions: Members of the ISI, when you go to your local Wall Mart, do you throw a hard cover edition of the Population Bomb at each other while fighting over the last packet of, as you think, over-priced rice? Do you stand at your local gas station and take the name of your stupid lord in vain when cussing out your silly little hive-mind because you voted for your republican soulmate W, who after all, made oil four times as expensive as it was when a lily-livered, bleeding heart, blowjob-enjoying liberal was in the White House? Will you wonder why you can’t afford your god-damn cooling bill for your stupid, none-insulated, redneck shack anymore, now that the masses of colored people on this globe use up your precious energy before you can steal it out from underneath them? Are you outraged that the multitudes blame you for this and say “I told you, when you took our condoms away, that your bloody abstinence crap DOES NOT WORK! Now we got AIDS, can’t afford food for our 15 children anymore, and to add insult to injury you made Kyoto a joke“? When you cry over another one of your stupid proselytizing sisters getting raped and murdered in Africa or Afghanistan do you remember that you are the only country in the world that voted AGAINST the Small Arms Treaty of 2007? Abstaining wasn’t good enough for you. Do I need to list the horrific regimes that did not take this step alongside you? Did you really need to make it official that you finally realized that nature wasn’t killing off the condom-less multitudes fast enough, so you wanted to lend it a gracious, christian, helping hand?

Do not be outraged that I am lay all of this at your doorstep. Do consider that your right-wing, fanatic religionist, irreparably fascist ass voted EN BLOC for the current lame-duck administration, which is driving all of these policies with your whole hearted prayerful approval. TWICE!

Where was I? Oh yeah, conservatives, republicans, believers, whatever you want to call yourself: You are always wrong! History makes a joke out of you. The other country in which books like the ones on your list are forbidden is Iran. Look at the past 200 years in the USA. You liked slavery, you liked segregation, you like the A-Bomb, you like guns, you like greed. All of which have been proven wrong and are also mentioned in passing, so to speak, in your curse-them-to-god seven deadly sins and dumb commandments. And even though you put a guilt trip the size of a super kancho on the rest of humanity you keep acting against your own morals, against your spurious, so-called christian values (What?! Do you make a living using oxymoronic names?) that you expound on in your vacuous publications, with which you seek to cover the real truth of your sad existence: That you are the bane of humanity. That you hate knowledge. That you hate sharing this planet with all peoples. The only bomb you ever disliked was The Population Bomb. And thankfully that one has been airmailed back to you, compound interest included. I only wish that my liberal behind could just this once be as wrong as you are on a daily basis. Then we could all survive this mess you have unloaded on us.

May 15, 2008

blogging for hope

Bloggers Unite

our human right

lucky coincidence of birth
uneven in distribution
fused to our geography
instead of our humanity

luck is in short supply
three billion short

my cobalt overrides
your water
my nickel rules
over your bread

I care not for your hunger
nor your sickness
your suffering leaves me cold

you call it luck
I call it destiny
that yoke is yours
that silver mine

my human right

May 6, 2008

Russia, the newest member of the EU

It is not my fault that Russia is on my radar now. They started it with that silly parade. Showing off their rusted, wrinkly, underpaid cojones. That is what you get for raising the ire of one immensely (three readers) popular blogger, yes I am talking about me. HAH, take that!

Anyway, if any of you knew that a chunk of Russia sits right smack in the EU I will give you a ticket to - Kaliningrad/Königsberg, former capital of Ost Preussen (German Ur-Staat), and birth place and lifelong residence of one Immanuel Kant. You wouldn't want to go there though, I am sure. It is a nasty joint, and to get there you would have to take the train via Belarus with a bunch of sheep herders, fermenting yak milk barrels and Vladimir Putin. That last one is toxic, I hear, and once you have it, you will never get rid of it. Kinda like Herpes.

forget roulette

aryan mum bitch slap

This is funny:

This is funnier:

Well, what else do you expect:

Apparently too much:

Aryan Mum Bitch Slap:

May 5, 2008

commemorate your cog

I am sure I know exactly what my employer wants to tell me by putting this into my cube over the weekend. Michel Foucault would have a field day. I refuse to internalize. I shall not be disciplined, nor punished.

May 3, 2008

the EU, such a small country

Being such a small country as Europe is, it is really amazing that you speak, like, so many languages there. I mean, we have, like, 40 % Mexicans in this country and we don't even speak Spanish", says the eternally surprised, marginally endearing, like, stupid woman. I will not dwell on this specific achievement of intellectual absenteeism, but instead share with you the traps of deer eyes.

This is the second time in three weeks that I am looking into a pair of huge orbs of liquid. Exquisitely shaped, lovingly manufactured they nevertheless remain pits of emptiness which manage to briefly distract from the rest of the sagging façade. At first I think “My, what big eyes you have”, then I realize the façade is just that - a Potemkin Village melting into the mud it arose from, the window frames remaining the only solidity left behind. They, the pits of emptiness, or if you prefer, the huge orbs of liquid, do not however distract from the other pair of orbs gently nudging me a little lower - equally exquisitely shaped and lovingly manufactured. I have your attention? I know I do, nothing garners attention in this large country (it’s a country, right?) of linguistically challenged prudes as the mention of over sized lovingly manufactured orbs.

Because of that I will now dwell after all. To state the obvious, sort of like her empty orbs, Europe is not a country. I might as well gently nudge you and tell you that yours does not contain 40 % Mexicans. Even though I know you like to exaggerate, again, sort of like your orbs gently nudging me, this is too much. Just because there are a lot of Latinos in Arizona, doesn’t mean there is an equal amount in the rest of the USA. If you would be correct in your estimate, there wouldn’t be any white people left. Some might say this would be for the better.

Also, if you would bother to take a closer look at any minority in any of Europe's many none-integrated countries, you would find that neither do those countries learn that minority's language, nor does a minority have anything to do with the fact that Europe harbors a gazillion different languages. Please stop trying to impress me with your none-existent suave worldliness. If your biggest goal in life, and some might say that this is for the better, is to have blue-eyed children you should probably be glad to be born in this wasteland of the mind. I certainly am, that you are. Your gently nudging orbs and lack of response to outside stimuli will be quite sufficiently impressive in their own rights to reduce me to the quivering mass of meat that I try to lift myself above on a daily basis. Thank you for making it easy.

live it baby

how to spend you economic stimulus check

Today I was imagining what to do with my economic stimulus check. I thought how nice it is that I will be getting back an additional $ 600 that I can spend freely on improving my economic outlook. Of course the smart thing to do would be to put it into a savings account, or even an IRA. But since I figured these are $ 600 less that the government will give to Israel to drop cluster bombs on little Lebanese children or use to launch rockets from ships into central Africa or -insert your favorite terrific sci-fi weaponry horror here - I should do something appropriate to make that initial divestment from governmental irrationality go a little further. I was going to get some compound interest so to speak.

The first thing that came to mind is that I should buy a gun and shoot a redneck. However, my logic-minded room mate Tom (you can’t beat him at this, he teaches LSATs at Kaplan) pointed out, that since I would thereby be joining the class of rednecks I really would not be lowering the total number of rednecks in this country. In fact, I would just be replacing one red neck with another, ergo keeping the numbers even. Additionally, since I would join the rednecks with this action, I would essentially be removing myself from the, what I deem as the normal, as in not inbred gene pool, actually lowering sanity levels, and keeping insanity levels even.

This bothered me; mostly because I already picked out a target. My neighbor whose church music I was forced to listen to one night. The next night, when he was up on his balcony talking to the local security weenie/snitch/despicable piece of horse manure, he followed the church music evening up with blathering about how the right to bear arms (all seven of them) is written in the constitution. He actually said “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” The security guy answered that he hardly left the house without his flak jacket anymore. Those roadrunners down here really are quite frightening, and you must protect yourself from the constant onslaught of their suicide attacks – against the grill of your car.

You can imagine my sincere disappointment; since logic now dictated a different course of action. So decided to drown my sorrows in Vegas and blow the night away with a bunch of hookers. Just because it is the thing that would piss the gun-toting, church-going, fun-hating, single-mother-producing redneck population off the most.