travel report 15: collage melange

A little photo thingy of me making my way from South of Cambodia to Bangkok and on to Yangon. Not so many amazing border pix, as I was thinking the Burmese are probably not happy if I take pictures of their borders. A lot of waiting around for shared taxis and buses and planes. And the usual tourist attractions. Here goes...

Waiting for ride and chilling in Sihanoukville.

Waiting for ride and chilling in little border town across from Thailand. Even my color blind eyes notice the color coordination here.

Waiting for plane and chilling with my lovely Bangkok Couchsurfing host Rose, and her balcony. This backyard contains a multitude of songbirds, as Rose contains a multitude of talents and surprises. I wish I would have known about the meditation knowledge. I have been told it would be good for my restless mind. Well, maybe I can learn to do it online, like I am learning how to play a flute online.

No more waiting and chilling. I know I have told you this before, but the rythm on this trip has been amazing. Whenever I needed to chill, I was forced to do so, and whenever I wanted to run around, or meet people, or see something amazing that happened as well. So I am running around Yangon and I run into this walked down church. A bunch of people sitting around, you can imagine a congregation in buddhist Burma is rather small. Meet Vincent, a rather funny member there. We go grab a cup of coffee and some sweets, and chat the afternoon away walking around town, hanging out. This will happen to you a lot here. That you run into locals who just start chatting to you. Do yourself a favor be open and look for it. He teaches English to locals who want to bail this sinker of a ship and go to Malaysia to work. I dont know why I look so crazy in this picture. Must be an Arnold thing, reminds me of Kindergarten Cop, when the kids drive him mad.

After hanging with Vincent all afternoon I went to his English class to chat with his students. Honestly, this guy is ridicolously irreverent. I mean, why would he write that on the white board? The way they teach English is rather useless unfortunately, and derived from the way they teach buddhist scripture in Monasteries. They have a little book, out of which he reads, and then the class repeats what he said in unison. Thats it. I guess its enough for laborer english in Malaysia. Next time I go back I will possibly, if I can find a polite way of doing it, suggest to the owner of the school - a rather slick business guy - a different curriculum.

A couple of hairs of the Buddha. A few thousand years of devotion. A few tons of gold. Voila, I give you Shwedagon.

On the craziest busride of my life. These buses are pre WWII. They hold about 40 People. In a country where such regulations as to bus occupancy will be followed. Scratch that, in a country where such regulations exist. I counted, there were at least, approximately way to many people on it. Just because they are short and dont get to eat much, doesnt mean its a good idea to put 250 of them in there. It was amazing anyway, especially because the ticket guy took pity on my poor lanky behind hitting my head on the ceiling all the time, and gave me some Betel to chew. Only problem with Betel is, chu gotta spit a lot, and how do you do that on a full bus unless you are a local and have been training for just that occasion all your life?

Seriously, why would you build this thing in the middle of a river? Just to prove that you can? So that the faithful have to swim across instead of being properly humbled by walking up a thousand stairs to pagoda as usual? So that tourists have to pay 8 times as much as locals to get there on a "special boat"(boat is same same different)? Its pretty cool though to go there on full moon festival, its like being at the vatican on christmas.

This is my own personal guide I had for the day. She was practicing her German for work, and I got the full tour. Good exchange. Yeah, they always look serious in pictures.

As soon as I am annoyed enough I will bitch to google about the photo upload function of this thing. It is a complete pain in the neck, and dont even ask about the formating. Sorry if some of these dont open up, but after the third upload I gave up. Hope you like them anyway.

travel report 14: Der Paradiesvernichter

Er war ein schwerer Mann. Dem das übermässige Schwitzen nicht zu halten schien, von der frühzeitigen Glatze, und von der Sucht nach neuen, noch nicht erschlossenen Resortlocations. Er war ein schleimiger Mann. Der den Sound eines nassen Sandsackes machte, als er im nicht weiß-genugen Sand des Paradieses niederkam - OOOMPH. Nur ein Mann wie er konnte so ein Geräusch verursachen, und von Beruf Paradiesvernichter sein.

Er haßte Natürlichkeit. Sie erinnerte ihn an seine Unzulässigkeit. Wenn er eine Gottheit sein nannte, dann sicherlich keine Göttin der Fruchtbarkeit, der Erde. Diese sanfte Feuchtigkeit, Dieses gezeitigte modrige Gefühl des Jetzt. Des Allumfassenden. Dieses finstere Unbekannte haßte er. Mit Inbrunst, unbewußt. Nein. Sein Gott war mehr Eroberer. Vielleicht Mars. Wie mit einem göttlichen Phallus wäre das, über die unbekannte und immer unbevölkerte Erde zu fahren. Furchtbar fruchtbare Furchen in den Boden drücken. In die dunkle sanfte saftige Erde. Und dabei die älteste Form der Fruchbarkeitshuldigung vollführen. Nur leider interessiert das den fetten Paradiesvernichter nicht. Er huldet nicht. Er duldet. Er betet nicht. Er setzt fundamentale Pfeiler in die Untiefen. Er vernichtet das Ritual und es bleibt kein Furchen, sondern nur ein gewaltsames Eindringen.

Der Trägheit gehört unser Malcontent. Der dekadenten Fettheit, die einen Pier benötigt. Ein Luxushotel auf jeder Insel, auf jedem Strand, in der letzten Ecke. Den weichen Krokodilledersohlen, die ohne Teppich nur schwer existieren. Nur wenn das letzte Stück Strand, die letzte Palme, der letzte NGO-trainiert, freundliche, kulturtreue, einheimische Artisane in einen glitzernden Plan des Betons und Profits integriert ist. Erst dann wird sich der schwitzende Paradiesvernichter in seinem glücklichen Wissen zurücklehnen, sein häßliches Gleichstellungswerk vollbracht zu haben.

travel report 13: Koh Tonsay

The gods surely must be beautiful. For I dined as ye kings of old. Good things come in three and the third night on Koh Tonsay will remain edged in the souvenirs of my mind. I was not supposed to stay this long, but realize now how foolish that thought was. The fresh pepper crab, pulled out of the ocean minutes ago, melts on tongues too taste-stunned to express the usual. You must at one point in your life partake of Kampot Pepper. Have it in Paris, as they used to during the Roaring 20s, but prefer it freshly whence it grows from.

This starry night I spend with souls well met. This idea, present in all our minds - floating in and on the waves of this soon to be moonless night. We are in the becalming waters of the bay, of the soft sand, of the moon setting distantly, of the spirals overhead. Of the luminescence underneath.

The gods surely must be merciful. For tonight I swam with the candles of the sea. Imagine, every movement, every moment a trail of glittering light. Enlightening us. Tiny, too small to see during the light of day, but glowing grandly, hundreds of times their real size in the light of the night of the falling moon. Mother nature's ephemeral blessings bestowed upon us all. A ballet of the sea on fire. A symphony of joy; and sing I must, softly, while floating in these milky waters of creation. Shine in this music, cleanse me thus. Melody in these lights, set me free.

The gods surely must be bountiful. For I dove among the floating stars of a million miles beneath the sea. My open eyes drink an orgy of riotous light streaming past as snowy flurries do on dark winter nights. I wish to remain, to stay in this place. To be something else. A dolphin. With fins of light trailing joy.

 

Travel Report 12: Siem Reap – Angkor Wat II

A rusty pen is what I feel at this point. Or should I say rusty blogging thoughts. So let me just begin where I left off, and last wrote to you all and to my diary in disguise (Whatever will happen to that anyway when the servers of the world unite to form the machine overlord? Form a new consciousness? Disappear into human battery fed 0s and 1s?). I told you – RUSTY, forgive. Rustiness = rambling even more than usual.

Second try at beginning where I left off. At Siem Reap on the last day – planned – of my stay there. I decided on this day to take a TukTuk out to the River of the Thousand Lingas, on my way there I would see this, for Angkor Wat standards, smallish temple, which made up for its size disadvantage with incredibly detailed stone carvings and empty morning feelings. Again the stupid anthropologic-comparison thought moves; how this ancient culture produced this, and proceeded to disappear, while my silly St. Stephens Cathedral keeps hanging around. My Tuktuk is only 14 Dollar for the whole day on the night before, at the end of the day it was 40 - remember to spell better next time.

We arrive out at this outpost of no tourists at all, surrounded by the usual stalls of crap sellers, who seem desperate to the point of attacking me, the lone visitor, with “you buy Mr, cheap cheap, when come back, you promise.” The river of the Thousand Lingas is exactly that. A river, in a rocky bed, thousands of Lingas carved handsomely and obsessively.

It is about a mile up this jungle mountain. I feel like Rambo, except I am not chasing the bad guys, only bad penises. You laugh? That only shows you got no clue what a Linga is. JFGI (nubes to this, my most humble vehicle of informing my friends and family of wellbeing, mine that is, you must follow the link, to find out what JFGI is, and kindly leave a thumbs up to third in list – no, I will never give up this obsession with putting this Stamos-Illo word creation to its rightful place at top of silly list. See, we thought of it first, but didn't think to urbandictionary it).

The hike is lovely, if uneventful, no green mambas, scorpions, Khmer Rouge remnants lurking in the foliage. I do however see two locals sweeping (sweeping?!?!?) the dirt path that leads me into this jungle with their palmfronds brooms. I had noticed the exceptionally clean condition of this jungle path, and was puzzled by the neat patterns of lines across it as I hiked up. They resembled those that would be left by – a broom made of palmfronds, apparently. I must admit, first I was a little scared of the strange jungle monster that would leave tracks like that. But you don't know Peter, if you think THAT Kinkerlizchen - not Rumpelstilzchen - would divert him from rapture by a thousand penises carved into a river bed by fertility obsessed hindoo-rockcarve-wallahs. Nevertheless relieved that no centipede of enormous girth and even larger appetite was doing a jig across the path in recent history, I refocus my thoughts on the proper phallic objects, the carved ones instead of the creepy-crawly ones.

I reach my destination after about 30 minutes, the usual contingent of one guard against thieves of ancient penises, tourist guide + 1 couple of Euro Tourists and local woman hovering are present at the river bed. A bench invites me to sit and rest my weary soul; slightly rotten, holes in it, but good enough for me and this jungle. Sit down for a few minutes, drink water, wonder where the thousands of promised Lingas are hiding. An incredible stabbing pain in my left ass cheek. I jump up, hollering in pain and surprise, turn to stare at the rotten bench – Nothing. Under it – Nothing. My upper quad starts hurting burning, pain moves shoots all through it. Check around the bench on the ground – Nothing. Big artery leading on inside of leg up to belly starts pulsing something fierce. Try to gesticulate to bored guard, who did hear me yell, that something bit me. Reaction is a blank stare. Rather panicked at this point, I decide to go and ask the tour guide a couple of rocky defiles further down the river for local advice. Ignoring the two Euro Tourists I head over to him.
'Hey man, I was sitting on this bench up there’, he can tell I am freaked, ‘and something bit me’.
'Did you see what it was?'
'No, tried to look, but was gone.’
'Show it to me.’
I think: I can not possibly show this guy my ass.

'Uhm, it's in a rather sensitive location.’
He doesn’t get it. Really pulsing up my artery/leg now. So I, down pants and up shorts, point to where I think it happened, I can’t see the exact spot. He now gets the sensitivity of it. Bends over, examines the tender area, makes sounds of worry and faces of What should I tell this already freaked out white boy that won’t immediately put him in the ground with a heart attack?
'I don't think it's a snake', relief, 'there are only two puncture marks', faint. Well, not really, but only thing keeping me from fainting is remembering that calmness is primary now, so poison doesn't travel even faster to heart and immediate seizure. He bends over again, to look at my ass closely, gently probing with his fingers - never thought I would say these words.
'Maybe spider or what do you call that…?’ makes snaking movement with his index finger '...with many legs.’ You have got to be shitting me! You have centipedes the size of fingers that bite people in the ass? I look for my Rambo knife.
‘Yes’, but he can tell my weak little white heart is doing flips and wants to bounce out of my throat, so he refrains from further gory details.
‘Slowly go down mountain, home and rest, it will go away in two hours or so. Whatever you do, do not put menthol on it’ Why would I put menthol on it?
‘If you put menthol on it, you die’. Ohhhh-kayyyy!

So I dismiss his menthol phobia in my mind, thank him, and slowly, painfully, in a fear/emotion controlling manner I limp down the jungle mountain. Cursing Rambo, green mambas, dirt-path-with-broom-sweeping locals, lingas and my own stupid curiosity, which apparently did kill the cat and maybe also me.

Later, after an interminable hike down jungle of worst euro-tourist-nightmare, my pale face works wonders and none of the hawkers bother me, which is a good thing, because at this point I feel like puking my guts out, and what would they think of us round-eyed barbarians if we all start vomiting on their flipflops just because they are trying to make a meager living?

Go over to guide, tell him story, he looks freaked out at the possibility of a dying tourista – I guess it would be bad for business – runs over to stalls, jibberjabbers with sales girl, comes back with little jar.
‘Put this on.’
‘What is it?’ He already has it open, I smell it. It’s Menthol. How the heck did the guide know? I decline politely, he nearly insists, I refrain to repeat what the guide told me. He asks me to show the thing to some people who are sitting there. And I kid you not, Peter Illo exposes his not inconsiderable, rather hairy backside to a bunch of locals sitting around a table playing cards.
‘OOOOH!'
'JIBBERJABBER!'
'HMMM!'
Lots of head shaking. Some laughing. They all seem to think I better head to a clinic pronto. So I walk back over to Tuktuk, really looking forward to the ride back on my broke-ass ass, riding out all those potholes in the 30 miles of dirt roads, which I now remember in advance detail. Suddenly my body wants to completely vacate. I can barely control this attack of a need to explode from two main and one minor orifice simultainously, in the middle of all the stalls selling crap. I do not want to add my load to the wares on display. So I supremely effort my bodily fluids under control. Would be somewhat undignified.

Long story short, we head back, and into the first clinic that we see in a small village. The nurse only looks on in consternation as my driver explains the situation. I don’t bother exposing the guilty party as she is completely clueless, which surprises me. Shouldn’t animal bite treatment be priority # 1 in these remote jungles? What does she do there, if not treat various bites? Cure Cancer? We get back in Tuktuk and decide to head all the way back to Siem Reap, good clinics there.

Suddenly huge rainstorm, Tuktuk guy comes to sit in back with me, waiting storm out, passing the time with a smoke and – detailed stories of what will happen to your body when poison-bitten, and the different ways of dying of snakebite.
‘Don’t worry, if it would be really bad snake, you would not have come down from mountain. You'd be dead already’ (thank you for sharing), and ‘There is this one snake, if it bites you, you must not go to sleep for 12 hours. If you do go to sleep, you will never wake up again. Thats how the poison works. ' I don’t know if I should smack him or thank him for this excursion into Cambodian poison lore.

Insidious, I tell you. After about 30 minutes of rainsoaked horror stories we go on. My ass doesn’t hurt so much anymore, but I can’t stay awake for the love of god. I keep passing out. Of course this is easy for you to read, knowing that if I am writing this, I obviously wasn’t bitten by that particular anti-insomniac-snake. But imagine my horror at comfortably slumbering away. A waking nightmare. He probably told me on purpose.

I wake up, back in Siem Reap at the red cross clinic, some quack Chinese doctor, examines me, comes to the conclusion that it was probably a centipede of gigantic proportions and that I should lie down and sleep it off. Gives me activated charcoal to eat (30 pills, try and swallow that in one go) makes a paste out of activated charcoal and smears it on my ass cheek. I go home and sleep it off, and actually feel well enough to board the bus to Phnom Pen on the next day.

I don’t have a moral from this story, only a picture of proof that it would seem better for little Peter to stay away from obsessive compulsive Linga-search-behavior.

Travel Report 11: where is peter?

Austria, I love ya, but I had to leave. I am sure you can forgive.

These are my excellent Courchsurfig Hosts in Bangkok, Penylene and Margot. Hugs to both you of, and thank you for having me. Margot I hope the soil erosion rain simulation experiment was everything you hoped for :) Penylene, don't let those mean kids in French international school get you under. You are bigger and badder than them!

Me and Margot up on Golden Mount. Bangkok has changed hugely since I was here when I was younger (forget it, I am not dating myself). In ten years (oops) skyscrapers everywhere, a crazy skytrain, that snakes through it so high that if it would be in Finland it would be the new preferred method of suicide. Honestly, its like a hot and humid Bladerunner. And there were way too many white people. But Golden Mount was really nice. The last time I was there, it was closed off and under indefinite renovation. They did such a nice job, and Thai people actually were doing there religious thing there. It would be like seeing a bunch of Austrians praying at St Stephens cathedral.

For all their protectiveness of animals, vegetarianism and peace and love mentality they really hate on the Buddhist nuns. These 40 are apparently doing a proper job of devotion.

Cambodia. I just can not express how amazing it is to be walking across the friendshrip bridge from Thailand to Cambodia. I know I am a lucky chap (been hanging out with Brits), and I wish all you special people could share this.


Steve and Marion, this awesome British couple, I hear they are married, but I was never sure. We met on the bus from Bangkok to border with Cambodia, and then shared the crossing and the ride to Siem Reap. They will haaaaate me for all these pictures from the second day, because they did not have time, because they had to fly back to to India, because after 7 month of traveling they still have to go to Nepal trecking. I know, poor things. Such a pleasure to meet you guys, and if you read this before you leave Cambodia, do come back here on your way back, because it really is mindbogglingly worth it.
I think they were laughing at some tourists. Could be I misinterpreted it. I hear... nevermind, you will read that later.


Show me a national monument, world heritage site, seriously overloaded with 1000 year temples, and I will show you... well never mind, if you tell me, I will just go there. Because when you ride through the jungles of Cambodia, loosing the tourist masses because they are all on the same preset tour, and you get to the Death Gate, because 1000 years ago, they brought their dead out through this gate, to be eaten by carrion birds, you know you are god damn well travelling.

This is a moat. Whatever little ditches European Knights built around their little toy castles are well, silly when you look at a man-made moat the size of the Mississippi.


250-something faces. To say that this guy was in love with himself would be an understatement. You cant turn around without looking at him. Or him looking at you, which I am told by the lonely planet was the real reason. Projecting force and such, like Sarah Palin when she is looking across the Behring Strait to do her foreign policy thang with Pootin.


I thought Tenochtitlan, Chitzen Itza or even Schönbrunn was large. I was wrong.

If you would only know how I took this picture.

Even photo op dancing girls need a break every once in a while.

For some reason these guys really wanted to hang out with me, and tell me that my stick figure drawing of the 4th library at Angkor (yes, on the 2nd day we are on 1st name basis) and then looked all serious when I took a picture. They laughed at the picture though. But I did hear that people around these parts have as many smiles as Inuit have names for snow.

Aint gonna lie. Second day is a lot better than first.

Because suddenly one has time and energy to find things out of the way.

And cute little people who seem to like Bananas a lot, and smile more and say thank you and good buy a million times for the Bananas you just gave them. While you pretend to crash your rented bicycle into a tree to amuse them even more.

Gotta run guys, dinner is waiting.

its a plague

its a virus

its infectious

its taking over the world

be afraid

be very afraid

galgenhumor quote of the day

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
Richard Feynman

Petitionswut - Petitionmania

I am happy that my French is attrocious; otherwise this would have to be trilingual.

Das ganze artet jetzt wirklich schon aus. In den letzten drei Wochen habe ich 27 Petitionen geschrieben. Und auch abgeschickt. Nie war es leichter seine Meinung im öffentlichen Raum einzubringen und dafür sage ich ‚god bless america and the internet’. Unter anderem schrieb ich an die österreichische Außenministerin, wirklich der neue Titel ist zu lang (note to self: write a petition about this), um die Tibeter, wenn nicht zu retten wenigstens zu beachten. An Den Standard um für selbigen Zustand Presseaufmerksamkeit einzufordern. An meine US Congress Representaten um meinem Unmut über die diversen staatlichen Goldenen Fallschirme Ausdruck zu verleihen. An ABC (US Fernsehsender) um ihnen zu sagen, dass ich es zum kotzen, und baldigen schwitzen finde, dass sie nach der zweiten Präsidentendebatte Kohle- und Ölindustriewerbungen zeigen aber einen Spot verweigern der klarmacht, dass es auch mit grüner Energie geht.
Alle diese Dinge sind wertvoll, aber fragen tu ich mich trotzdem: Gibt’s eigentlich eine Antipetitionspetition?

============localized version==============

The whole thing is out of control. In the last three weeks, I have written and sent 27 petitions. Never was it easier to state ones opinion and have it heard in the public realm, and for that I say ‘gott schütze die USA und das Internet'. Amongst others I wrote to the Austrian Foreign Minister, seriously the new titel is too long (note to self: write a petition about this), to at least pay attention to the plight of the Tibetans, if not making an actual effort to help them. To "Der Standard" (Austrian NY Times like daily) to demand coverage of the same issue. To my US Representative in Congress to tell them how pissed I am about various government financed golden parachutes. To ABC, to tell them that I will vomit on my next cable bill if they continue to happily spout Oil and Coal lobby BS in Oil and Coal lobby ads after the presidential debates while refusing to show green ads that may show us that there could be better options to securing a positive energy future.
All of these things are valuable in and of themselves. But I still wonder: Is there an Antipetitionpetition?

who pays the bribes, I mean bills, sorry

Did you notice the ads after last night's presidential debate?

ABC had Chevron. CBS had Exxon. CNN had the coal lobby. But you know what happened last week? ABC refused to run our Repower America ad -- the ad that takes on this same oil and coal lobby.

I sent a letter asking ABC to reconsider their decision and put our ad on the air, but still we haven't heard back more than a week later. I think they need to hear from all of us. Can you help? Please send a message to ABC and tell them to air the Repower America ad this Friday on 20/20.

You can view the ad on the ABC petition page, here.

As Al Gore has said, "We're borrowing money from China to buy oil from the Persian Gulf to burn it in ways that destroy the future of human civilization. And every bit of that has to change.

Note on side: Guess who said exactly this during the campaign? It wasn't the other one, I can tell you that.

Travel report 10: Impressions from Vienna

Here are some of the nice moments I got to enjoy while running around Vienna the last month or so. I think I said before that I have not enjoyed this city this much in a long time, possibly not ever. Either I am getting old, or Vienna is getting young. Mayhaps, as is usually the case in such cases, both applies.

...I just figured out how to upload more than one image at a time to google blogger. Amazing, you'd think this semi-nerd would know this already, but I didn't. Now I have to kill the time till all this is uploaded. So I might as well tell you about the horrifying experience I had at the dentist these last few days. It seems my little (made up) story about the cleaning session I had the other day has backfired in a nasty karmatic way that makes all talk of waiting for rebirth in order to reap the next-life storm that you sowed with your this-life wind superflous... Ok, the images are uploaded now, so you will have to await a worse day to hear this story. I can imagine most of you are happy not to have to hear about my dental experiences, except for maybe that republican that keeps polluting my sweet marxist blog. In any case. Here are the pix:

Me at Hundertwasserhaus. Yes, this is Hundredwaterhouse. No, thats the name of the architect, we dont have hundreds of waters in vienna.

Phil and I at the Pestsäule. Commemorating the last great Pubonic Plage Outbreak in Vienna. Paid for by the Emperor, I mean the commoners' taxes via the Emperor.

Some new and old friends at a Picnic in the Prater, which is this huge woodland area right in the center of Vienna. Naturally, it used to be the hunting grounds of the Emperor back in the day, paid for by his highness, of course, I mean the commoners' taxes via the Emperor. We, the folk, are now allowed into it. Thank you! I grew up 5 minutes from it.

Some old friends enjoying a nice evening reminiscing about the olden days and the need for a revival of marxist principles, or at least reinvigorated redistribution principles (using guillotines preferably) of capital.

This is the view of the top of the Northtower of the St Stephens Cathedral in the center of Vienna. Its quite a lovely view, and I had to take all the pics because Phil made like a Geko and clung to the walls (afraid of heights). He really wanted to make like a tree and leave (lol, did I just use this?) but I didn't let him, since we already paid 4 Euronen each to get up to the biggest, fattest, most impressive Bell in the history of humankind. The Pummerin (JFGI and give a thumbs up to the 3rd definition).
EVERYTHING in that impressive church had to be paid for:
Getting into the main ship: 4 Euros.
Looking at the Katakomben: 4.50 Euros.
Going up to really tall Southtower: 3.50 Euros.
Going up to see Pummerin and Phil do a geko immitation: 4.50 Euros (well spent).
Seeing the catholic church reduced to a tourist trap in order to make ends meet: Bloody Goddamn Priceless.

Phil in the Catacombs under the St Stephens Cathedral. This stuff is really old. Like, Oh My God, nearly older than Palin's Dinosaurs & Humans living together peacefully way back in the day. Presumably that was before evil Eve made able Adam eat that stupid melon, or whatevertf it was supposed to be. Or was it the snake that made him eat that melon? Or was it he that made her eat the snake? You figure it out.

Me and two of my parents' kitties, cooking a nice meal for same (my parents, not the kitties, they have it good, but not that good).

Me and my Mum about to go to the Musikverein (only the top concert hall accoustics in the world) to listen to some cheesy, old guys play some cheesy, old music, by some cheesy superold looser named Beethoven (7th and 8th Symphony if you must know).

Lovely autumn day walk along the Donaukanal to my friend Elmar's place. I only now realized that the thing you can see in the back is a powerstation which was Hundertwassert as well.

Guess what! Elmar and Andrea recently had a baby. I know, surprising. Presenting to my small world: Sophie.

In this picture, Andrea, the awesome mum, is in blue, and on the other side are Wolfgang and Romana, we go way back. Wolfgang, Romana and I are the only sane people left in this world that get to have all their sleep and keep all their DNA.

I used to school Wolfgang on the mean basketball courts of Vienna. Well, not really, he would turn around and shove his fat ass in my face and then hookshoot over me when he was right under the hoop. Over and over again, I know, boring, I told him as well, unfortunately effective. Its what you should have done, Assar in order to avoid the thrashing you suffered. Oh no, now its right there for the whole world to read. Sorry bro!

I imagine this to be my last post from Vienna. Unless of course, and this is rather likely, Saracuda Palin forces me to make fun of her again. On Thursday this week, which is the 9th of October I will be boarding a plane to Bangkok, from whence I will travel to Cambodia and Burma. In the likely case that you should never hear from me again, it is not that I don't love you, it is just that I love Don Det more.

faux palin 4

I guess we should have seen it coming. Sore loosers throwing mud to see what sticks. I think she just got sick of providing voluntary donations to John Stewart, and decided to make them involuntary. I am nevertheless surprised at the gall the woman and her campaign's strategists have. Sadly the boss of her campaign was subjected to exactly the same kind of smear tactics in the primaries of 2000, and rightfully if bitterly complained about it. Are our and John McCain's memories really this short? Does the end truly justify all means? Are there really 10k Californians that will cheer these comments forgetting that their Hero's patriotism, exemplified by his horrifying incarceration at the Hannoi Hilton, was dragged through the mud by his own party only 8 years ago? This is not a Faux Palin, its a Faux John McCain, and while I respected him before, this respect is going down the utubes rather quickly.

problem solved

Dr ÜB just gave me a brilliant IDEA to solve all the problems we currently face in this world. Every human will donate 1 dollar. That will put together about 6-7 Billion. The way the value of my house has been dropping because Palin's Joe Sixpack signed an ARM and Paulson made 600 Million of his dumb behind it should be easy to find a cheap piece of land. We buy this land with the donation and park all the ignorant , foreign-hating, greed-promoting, money-stealing, lie-telling, religion-loving, teenpregnancy-having, dinosaur-with-human-living, environment-polluting people there. Where they can then continue their merry dance of subprime intelligence without bothering us the hardworking, honest, tolerant, progressive, green paragons of humanity. We can then live in peace and enjoy the fruits of our labor, without having to subsidize and bail the dumbasses out every 10 years.

Here is my bankaccount # *&%@^$^$ (ok, you didnt really think I was going to post it here). We just gave Henry "the money shredding machine" Paulson 700 Billion. Whats another 7 Billion for a truly good cause? You trust me, dont you?!?

et tu, henry?

Friends, Americans, countrymen, lend me your ears.
I come to bury this world’s financial system, not to praise it.
The evil that men do lives on for years.
The good is oft interred with their bones.
Let us do different.
Let us bury their evil alongside their stones.

Henry Paulson is an honorable man.
Let no man stand before me and question his rightousness.
He has brought you the spoils of golden wars,
The bounties of his conquests were yours to devide.
Yet he asked no reward, but to share some of his righful gains,
To be primus conservationist inter pares.
Is he a bad man that he wants the same golden wings for his friends?
As he wanted for your endangered birds of prey?

Let no man stand here before me and proclaim,
That Henry Paulson’s ambition was not,
The envy of your heart.
That his reward in gold was not,
Gladly paid to him.
Him, the pride of this nation and her system.

‘The Hammer’ you called him
When you admired his strength of conviction.
When you loved the shining brilliance of his leadership.
When you would have been extatic with joy at,
Walking in his borrowed shoes for one moment only.

What is a little treasure, used to reward those that lead us?
Where is your charitable spirit that your praise so well?
Are you so petty that you hold against those,
What your own greed lusted for most?
Are you so short of memory that you forget those,
Who you followed to this exhalted place?

This place
That rewards the lie
And punishes truth

Shall no man wonder how we wrought,
A consequence of action well deserved for all.

faux palin 3

You know how I asked you to beat the first funi faux palin video I sent out? And how many opportunities have there been since then? I know, you can't count them either. But none of them get remotely close to this one. This is the funniest thing I have seen since Georgieboy said he wanted to help Americans put food on their families. If you just cant stand her, go start at minute 1:18.



Just a reminder:
American population: 3% of world population
American energy consumption: 25% of world consumption

Chinese car mileage: 43 mpg
USA car mileage: As of 2004 27.5 mpg, new rules enacted in 2007 say that by 2025!!! cars need to be at 35 mpg.

Again: China 43 mpg : USA 27.5 mpg.

Funniest thing is Palin's Joe Sixpack (debate) sits at home goes "Yeah man, screw them polluuutin Chinks, and them Arabs too, driving them nice cars while I pay 4 bucks at the pump."

schöne zahnhygiene

Ein Zahnarztbesuch ist immer etwas Nettes. Es kommt natürlich darauf an zu welchem Klempner man geht, aber prinzipiell macht es doch Spaß. Vor allem weil die Schnuckis in der Rezeption einen wirklich davon überzeugen wollen, dass ein Zahnklempnerbesuch das Beste seit sliced bread ist. Ich schreibe dies anscheinend von einer vollkommen männlichen Perspektive. Wie die andere Art damit umgeht weiß ich natürlich nicht. Also, jedes Mal wenn ich da reinlatsche denke ich mir, die Kleine ist so süß die kann doch sicher nicht mal ihren eigenen Namen buchstabieren. Geschweige denn meinen leicht slawisch angehauchten. Wie wenn sie diesen Gedankengang mit ihren weiblichen Waffen erahnen könnte, blitzt sie mich dann aber mit ihren zahnklempnergebleichten Beißerchen nieder. Ich vergesse daraufhin mein Vorurteil und wundere mich angesichts des Engelsstrahlen nur noch was denn der Grund für meinen angfressenen Restemotionalzustand gewesen sein könnte.

Neulich ist mir wieder mal so eine Emotionalzustandsmanipulation passiert worden. Ich bereite mich also gerade auf die unendliche Warterei vor, da taucht überraschend sofort eine blendende blonde Bombshell vor mir auf und lädt mich ein ihr doch bitte zum vorgesehenen Kammerl zu folgen. Mach ich doch gerne, stehe aber letztendlich vor der Wahl zwischen zwei Prachtexemplaren der Zahntechnik, wenn man das so sagen darf. Unfreundliche ZAHNYGIENE Schilder A und B an den Rückwänden der einstmals heftig in pubertären Schulungsträumen integrierten Rückklappfoltersessel begrüßen mich und verjagen vergnügliche Erinnerungen an eben diese. Wie bei einer dümmlichen aus den USA eingeführten Gameshow steht da jeweils eine Dame neben ihrem Ungetüm. Eine blendet und blitzt einladend, die andere schaut verdrossen aus der Wäsch. Die eine flirtet mich an und die andere erinnert mich an eine DDR Schwimmerin aus den 80ern. Verzagt drehe ich mich zum Rezeptionschnucki, denn das kann doch nicht ihr Ernst sein, aber das Schnucki zuckt - mit den Schultern und schwingt davon. Normalerweise würde so eine Wahl gar keine Qual sein, aber in diesem Falle fühle ich mich vom Schicksal verarscht. Was, wenn das Schicksal weiß, dass ich weiß, dass es weiß, dass ich weiß…?

Ich übergebe mich Fortunas Armen und wähle die Schöne, weil wenn es schon schmerzen soll, dann mit Stil. Es dauert nicht lange, und ich weiß, dass das Schicksal wusste, was ich jetzt weiß. Genau genommen weiß ich es schon beim Hinsetzen, als sich die Schwimmerin leicht hämisch abwendet, als ob das Schnucki und sie schon Viele, von alten, netten Schulungsträumen träumende, in eine Schicksalsfalle gelockt haben.

Lieber Leser, du verstehst, dass nicht alle Zahnhygienedamen gleich gemacht sind. Die einen liebkosen deine dentalen Taschen, diese Ansammlungen von Bakterien, diese Kloaken deiner Speisegewohnheiten. Sie haben es geradezu darauf abgesehen die kleinen Tierchen mit Zuckerbrot aus den Untiefen deiner verschmutzten Fresse herauszulocken, denn Peitsche kennen sie nicht. Die Peitsche ist einfach nicht Teil ihres Makeups. Nun, so eine habe ich noch nie getroffen. Der andere Typ Zahnhygienedame ist dir sicher so vertraut wie mir. Zuerst schaut sie missbilligend da du es gewagt hast, deine dentalen Angelegenheiten in so einen Zustand verkommen zu lassen. Dann greift sie sich das längste, spitzeste und furchtgenerierendste Klempnerwerkzeug welches sie diesseits von Peters Perlentor finden kann, und schiebt es dir unter den Kiefer bis sie bei den Halsnasenhöhlen wieder rauskommt. Manchmal schon auch direkt unterm Augapfel. Meist wird diese Attacke von einem leicht enervierten tsts begleitet, so als ob sie es wirklich leidig wäre einem ungezogenen Jungen immer wieder dasselbe sagen zu müssen. So weh es auch tut, du kannst deinen Schmerz natürlich nicht wegbrüllen, weil du damit beschäftigt bist, nicht im immer präsenten Spülwasserstrahl zu ertrinken. Was nicht so leicht ist denn sie hat deine Zunge mit ihrem praktischen Spiegelchen festgeklemmt.

Und genauso passiert es hier auch. Die kleine Süße wird im Handum- und Bohreraufdrehen zum Zahnhygienepublicenemy # 1. Ich krümme und wende mich zwar innerlich bleibe aber äußerlich stoisch, um ihr nicht die Genugtuung zu geben, dass sie ihr verhärmtes Wesen an einem weiteren Unschuldigen hat aufbauen können. Plötzlich hört sie auf mir im Zahnfleisch herumzusticheln, steht ruckartig auf und lässt mich einfach auf dem Rückklappfoltersessel hängen. Normalerweise würde mir das beim Zahnarzt auf den Geist gehen, aber dieses Mal bin ich eher froh. Sie hätte aber trotzdem den Sauger abdrehen können.

Da verdunkelt ein riesiger Schatten mein erschlafftes Antlitz. Wie das Ufo über New York in Independence Day. Nicht einmal der Schmerzschweiß durfte mir vollständig abtrocknen. Ich höre bedrohlich dumpfe Musik, und während ich mich noch den Unterbewußtseinszwängen der modernen Unterhaltungstechnik zu entziehen versuche, vernehme ich eine Grabesstimme. „Die Kollegin hatte gerade einen Notfall. Ich übernehme sie jetzt.“ Angstschweiß bricht mir jetzt aus allen Poren während ich der soeben abgerauschten Teufelsengelin noch die schlimmsten Flüche nachsende (Ich erinnere mich nicht genau, irgendetwas mit ihrem Erstgeborenen muss es gewesen sein) während ich sie gleichzeitig innerlich anflehe zurück zu kommen. Ich würde ihr doch auch zeigen wie sehr ich in ihrer Gewalt stehe. Alles nur das was da auf mich zukommt. Aber diese mickrigen Flüche und dieses erbärmliche Flehen verblassen angesichts der schieren Angst die das Erzittern meines Sessels in mir hervorruft welches die Schwimmerin auslöst als sie mit vollem Gewicht in ihren Sessel sackt. Mir wird übel wie einem Hund der auf einer kalifornischen Erdbebenfalte kurz vor dem Big One sitzt. Mir fahren wirre Ausreden durch den Kopf die diese Frankensteinin der Zahnhygiene ablenken und mir so die Flucht ermöglichen könnten. Nichts hilft, ihre quadratisch-praktischen Löffel von Händen drücken mich sanft in den Sessel. Ich nehme an mir kommt das nur sanft vor weil ich kurz vor der Ohnmacht stehe. Die Schwimmerin beugt sich über mich, nimmt mein Kinn in die Hand, raspelt mir ins Ohr „Bitte etwas zu mir drehen“ und „öffnen“. Man kann sich nicht vorstellen wie wichtig es mir in diesem Augenblick wäre nein sagen zu können. Nein, heißt nein, verdammt noch mal. Auch wenn man es nur mit dem Reptilienhirn flüstert. Aber es hilft nichts, diese Rückklappfoltersesselzahnvergewalting geht tatsächlich von statten und ich kann nichts dagegen tun. Rein gar nichts. Ich ergebe mich meinem Schicksal, sehe Überschriften á la „Mann von Ex-DDR Schwimmerin im Rückklappfoltersessel ertränkt“ in den Boulevardblättern der Stadt und dann passiert das Unglaubliche.

Nichts.

Ich spüre nichts. Rein gar nichts. Sanft gleitet das Schalltechnologiezauberzahnhygienegerät über meine Dentale, unter mein Zahnfleisch, durch jedes kleine Hindernis als ob es Butter wäre und nicht monatelang mühsam angesammeltes Zahngestein. Die Feinmotorik dieser Maria Callas der Zahnhygiene ist erstaunlich. Ich glaube fast nicht, dass sie wirklich noch säubert. Wie könnte sie denn auch, mit diesen Pranken von Händen? Ein Grizzlybär wäre stolz auf die. Aber ich spüre doch nichts, wie kann das sein? Vielleicht poliert sie ja schon. Ich wage einen schielenden Blick. Aber nein, sie verwendet dasselbe Gerät wie die jetzt schon fast vergessene letzte Henkerin meines Zahnglückes, und ignoriert freundlich mein Schielen. Wo ich vor kurzem versuchte, dem Schmerz und der Schönen gegenüber stoisch zu sein, rinnen mir jetzt die Tränen des Entzückens, der Erlösung über die Wangen. Ich kann es mir nicht verkneifen. Sofort hält sie inne. Entsetzt fragt sie mich „Geht es noch, Gnä’ Herr?“ Sie, die ihre kleinste Handbewegung aufs Feinste abgestimmt hat, kann derartige Tränen nicht gewohnt sein. Ja, sie muss annehmen, dass sie, die Göttin der Sanftheit, mir Schmerzen verursacht hat. Ich sehe in ihren fassungslos verkniffenen Athletenaugen, dass ihr dies tiefstes Unbehagen, ja, wahrlich Schmerz verursacht. Ich bin so gerührt dass ich ihr nur weinend versichern kann, dass alles, wirklich alles im zahnhygienisch Reinsten ist.

Die Moral dieser Geschichte: Trau dem blendenden Schein nicht und am Besten wäre es du traust die Sanfteste.